“I would never trust just anyone with my precious cargo, baby” he whispered to me on the phone.
I got misty eyed, and for a moment felt safe. This once in a life time moment, that I can’t describe with just mere words, but I can say……..
…it looked like a pure white rose in bloom, thriving the beautiful state of California n
For those seconds I felt safe, and vulnerable at the same time. And that emotion is not one I like to express because it makes me feel less. Why does it make me feel less? maybe; weakness, no sense of safety and security, loss, death, injustice, self pity.
Which are emotions I don’t process or deal with very well. No it is more than that, it was trying to understanding and learning how to process my emotion. I have always had a sense of what I perceived to be right and wrong, and I will stand up for a just cause.
“In the fight between justice and evil, taking a neutral stance and being indifferent is the same as siding with evil”
I had a hard time accepting that I was not aware of my lack of in site into my own heart and mind because I can empathize well for others. {which is a good thing, because that is what I use to do for a living}
My friend Greg wrote to me; ” Your great gift is the ability to help people. Your level of empathy is amazing, the strongest I have met in a long time. Now is the time to help yourself. Help yourself to reflection, solitude, meditation, learning. The loneliness is from neglect of your spiritual and emotional needs for the sake of others. I have always found it to be true that if I am no good for myself then I am no good for others. It is a very deep and heavy read but there is a book that helped me. It is written by Thomas Merton and the title is ”The Dark Night of the Soul”. He is a smart that one, my friend. Thank you Greg you are the first person that ever told me that I had a gift, it made me cry in a good way.
Now, back to the man who was whispering in my ear about precious cargo. His words felt like a light house, safe, bright, warm, cozy, just like a home should.
That all changed ever so quickly, as it always does for me for some reason.
I have no doubt that this man loved me. He chose to stay with me during my darkest hours and checked in on me and brought me plates of watermelon.
What can I say…..a girl likes her watermelon.
He stayed and stayed……. I gave him so many outs, for his own good. Furthermore, the other option was watching a wounded dying warrior lick her wounds is a hard event to witness and she hates to have people pity her.
It is also hard for me to feel so expose and vulnerable. Mostly, I knew his heart was also wounded before he met me, and he told me that relationship broke him in half so I didn’t want to hurt him any more.
I know two big hot messes meet again story with a sad ending, but with these two hot messes there was a life lessons learned.
But truly, I appreciate him so much for trying, and caring. His time that he took for me matters to me more than anything and I will never forget. My own heart is so grateful.
His mistake was that, but he did not understand the end results are always on the person making the choice.
Unfortunately in the real world we were too different. His personality is easygoing, keep the peace, loves to watch TV and games on the daily. I felt he was very limited on life events. He does have beautiful eyes, long lashes, and a kind heart, that’s always a plus.
The deal breaker for me is that I believe he is a fence rider, that is just my personal opinion and I have a right to it and I also found the definition for it on the Urban Dictionary on the Internet
Fence rider: | |
| Someone who will say anything to avoid rocking the boat. They will go against their own morals and standards to make statements to please others. They shouldn’t be trusted and confiding in them isn’t a good idea. They are liked by many due to the fact they always have good things to say, but are not trusted by the smart ones who have figured them out. Fence riders are phony butt kissers. We all know a few, most are politicians |
Well that definition answered many questions for me. I personally am not a fence rider, there is absolutely no question which side of the fence I am on.I can justify my actions with facts, and intelligent conversation. What really matters to me is trying to do the right thing, as I perceive it to be, in every delicate situation.
Finally everyone, lets find the definition of non-fence rider, a-ha! Thank you again Urban Dictionary… I found it, I always thank God for the everything in life, please let me know what you think. Your opinion matters to me and please be kind if it is in your nature.
“Doing the right thing when no one is looking”
This man and I parted forever at his parents house,
somewhere out in the middle of NO WHERE.
B-F-E
Sorry, once again I got sidetracked. Back to the story; I do believe it was around four o’clock in the morning. He said something to me and I chose to believe him. It was one of those life changing events when it finally hits. I do believe they call it an Epiphany! (yea, me).
Not only did I realized it but I accepted it and I listened to my inner voice. This will never work out and it will never be enough for me, I grabbed my purse and left.e are too different and neither one of us wants to change the basic core of who we are. I would never ask or want him to do so for me because it is not real. Additionally, I personally do not care to fence ride, I find it uncomfortable and confining.What can I say, that is just me.
The hardest question I ask myself was, how do I thank the man who helped me during the darkest times of my life and will be a part of me forever?
I already know that adds another karmic debt that I will have to pay in this lifetime or the next. Hopefully I won’t have to come around a third time because I do not want too. I will follow the karma cleanse, and hopefully it will make my journey complete.
Please, I want and need too rest. I am tired and I believe that in my journey to find peace. I will have to repay every debt owed, hopefully in this lifetime.
Ssshhh..sshh…please. I need to remember, I need to remember, I have to remember……..
